Remembrance of Tom

By Amory Houghton

Milton Academy, October 29, 2001

Good afternoon. My name is Amo Houghton and I was, like Bill Harwood who spoke earlier, one of Tom's roomates at Harvard.

A number of us were in Seattle last week for the service there. And I have to tell you, I learned a great deal more about Tom during those two hours than I expected I would. I learned more about what was repeatedly and respectfully referred to as his "courage", for his dedication to the community, for his extraordinary advocacy work in causes I knew about only peripherally. These were very impressive and inspirational testaments to the impact he had on so many people's lives --- and was particularly noteworthy to me since many of those elements of Tom's character had matured so much since the time we all lived together in the early 1970s.

What were NOT new to me, of course, were the sentiments expressed about what a good friend Tom was, and this is what I would like to add to BRIEFLY this afternoon.

This has been a horrible month and a half. My office was on the 61st floor of One World Trade Center. The organization I work for built and owned the towers. We alone lost 74 people.
Tom knew I worked at the Trade Center. He somehow got through the congested telephone lines late that day, and left a message at my house in Westchester, where ironically I had been since about 8:30 AM, praying that I was all right and pleading that I call him immediately, which I did soon thereafter. He called several more times - just checking in - the last… two days before he died. That was one of Tom's gifts - just checking in, letting you know he was thinking about you, -- reminding you subliminally of the importance of the connection we would always have. He was - a GOOD friend.

Tom was also a great empath. I went through a very painful divorce a few years ago. He and I talked for many hours over an extended period of time. He had a way of asking the right question at the right time for the right reason. He felt for you and you gained strength because you knew that.

Tom had many other gifts, not the least of which was his astounding ability to defuse an awkward situation with his laughter. Some people have overbearing laughs, some have irritating ones and others have a laughter that is just impossible to resist. As you know…Tom's laugh was like that -- Unabashed, Unfiltered, You had a clear glimpse of his soul when he laughed. Take a look at the photographs of him, he always seems to be laughing …or JUST about to.

When I size up someone, I took at two things: first whether the individual has a decent laugh. Tom's was one of the best. The other thing I search for is whether the person takes himself too seriously. Anyone who does - has, in my mind, a permanent character flaw. Tom succeeded brilliantly here too.

Now Tom loved to argue - or really he loved the process of argument to synthesize an idea. And he was very good at it. He just loved taking a position and forcefully expressing his views. He took his ideas very seriously, but not himself. I think most conversations he had in his life were probably extensions of his desire to "educate" those he considered tragically "under-informed". Tommy, after all, DID consider himself to be an expert at most things. But you know something? To this day I cannot remember ever feeling that I lost an argument with him. And I KNOW that I did.

Now, this revelation may be in part due to the fact that I have several million fewer brain cells today than I did back in 1970 (for which Tom could absolutely be assigned partial responsibility,), but I think it more accurately stems from the fact that as bright as he was, he just never rubbed it in - at least to his friends. He was always more interested in you feeling good about yourself than in jamming his point through.

Finally, Tom was - and it is impossible to over-state this - just breathtakingly silly at times. I have three short examples and I'm sure each of you has dozens more.

It's embarrassing to admit this to such a distinguished group, but in our freshman year, he actually hung a poster of Leonard Nimoy in our room and surrounded it in a hideous reverential shrine. In moments of crisis, he would implore the omnipotent and stoic Spock for cosmic guidance. This was, in the words of our friend Steve Kidder, very scary.

He also thought it was a fabulous idea - and very neighborly I might add - to entice the local community of likely rabid squirrels into our room in Matthews Hall using peanuts he had lifted from the Faculty Club. He thought our room was a little sterile -- we needed some pets. And, capitalizing on a good thing, the squirrels dropped by regularly almost the entire spring. Tom even named two of them.

And I can't remember how many times, very late at night, or early the next morning, when Tom - with a great dramatic gusto - would, confidently push his remaining cache of chips into the center of the table in an attempt to bluff his way to victory in poker…… even though he - AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM - knew that he had absolutely nothing in his hand. He did this repeatedly. Tom was a lousy bluffer - he was too honest. And, of course, we shamelessly took advantage of this.

What a magnificent, magical creature.

What an incredible waste!

I have one last thing to say: in the aftermath of Sept. 11th and the crushing suddenness of the human tragedy, I made a commitment to myself (that frankly I should have made YEARS ago). It was very simple -- I promised myself that going forward I would no longer take for granted those relationships that meant so much to me in the past. Given the complexity of our lives, it is SO easy to become complacent about important things like old friendships. You know: they'll always exist; nobody's going anywhere. We're all immortal, after all. Well, We're NOT.

Tom was one of the people I absolutely was going to reconnect with on a more regular basis. I had even blocked off some time to come visit him. And now - of course - it's too late.

I'm going to be a little presumptuous - but I think this may be the perfect time to pledge to each other that we will reconnect with some individual or better yet - several, who made a difference to us when we were younger. Here we all are - wishing secretly that we even had another 15 seconds to tell him how much we loved him. There is NEVER enough time.

Each of us knows people we regret not being closer to…. Lets change that. Let us all make the effort. Be in touch. Share a laugh or a cry. Check in.

Friendships are just too precious. I am a better person today because Tom Wales was my friend.

So please don't let this opportunity pass. Do it -- to honor HIM.